Those moments of real happiness are worth living for

It's been a long time but I needed to get something out there. Isn't life worth it? It sucks most of the time, I know. Every day I relive the last time i saw my oldest brother, every day I relive finding out he was gone, and every day I hate myself for the things I should have done which would have saved him. It's coming up three years now and not a second passes when he's not in my thoughts. Every day I go through the process of trying to forgive myself for what I didn't do. I know about regret and I know about living with it and sometimes letting it slip away. Even with all of this, I've managed to enjoy the little things and I've kept my life on track.
I'm currently studying in my first year of undergrad for physic and astronomy. I love it but I know part of that is because it keeps me busy, that helps.
There are so many amazing things in life though. Feeling invincible because nothing bad in the world can hurt you when you feel that good, Having good, honest fun and living in the moment, realizing that beautiful feeling won't last long and that you have to enjoy it while it's there and not ruin it. This is one specific to me: making up excuses to break a small rule, convincing yourself that it won't matter and no one would care, then doing the right thing anyways and laughing about it with friends later. These are joys in life, as they happen you have to make yourself think: "I will enjoy everything in this moment, because nothing can last forever."
There have been a lot for troubles withing my family over the last few years. What makes it worse is that it all goes down to the struggle with anxiety, depression, and addiction. These three things all run in my family and terrify me to death.
Addiction is the worst one to me. Depression is bad, but it's something I've come to understand to a degree, addiction I understand, what I don't understand is how it starts and why no one can accept it. Once you have an addiction it's with you for life. That is NOT to say you cannot learn to control it, but it never goes away. The thing I'll never get that I hear all the time is that "they were an alcoholic (and/or drug addict), they did this to themselves". WHAT??? I avoid addictive substances to be safe, but some people don't consider that until it's too late, until they're addicted.
This is taking a turn I didn't expect because I have a lot of feelings on the matter that I have to get out, but tonight is not the night. Basically all I wanted to say can be summarized in one line:

There are fewer good thing than bad in life for a lot of us, but those moments of real happiness are worth living for.
Good night lovely.

Superficial

I recently had a bit of a strange experience. I was in a play recently and my character was a man, I worked a lot with the director on getting rid of some of the things I do as a girl, in this process learning that I'm a lot more girly than I thought. So I worked for three months on getting rid of the girly instincts, or at least repressing them on stage, and now it's all over. I am having some difficulties accepting the end of show but I went to get make up the other day, a simple, normal task. When I was there, the woman that was "helping" me kept asking me if I did this, that or the other thing, and of course every time the answer was no, so she would show me another product that I "needed", of course I put all of those back when she wasn't looking. This then got me thinking, why are there so many things that society expect of girls? Now, I know that this topic has been run into the ground, but think bout it, we are expected to shave at the very least our legs, make sure our hair always looks at least okay, have make up on, and properly, along with the expectation to maintain the social middle ground between slut and prude. I myself am comfortable with some people thinking I'm a prude because I haven't "done" anything but I will still sometimes give in and talk about things that make me uncomfortable (not necessarily personal things but uncomfortable none the less) because otherwise people might think I am super innocent and nieve. They already think I'm innocent and nieve simply based on how I look. But society puts so much pressure on us to do all of these things, and then, as if we don't waste enough time doing this stuff, buying it, or figuring out how, what, and when to use each stupid product, we get to hear guys make fun of us for doing all of this stuff and complaining about it. I just sometimes wonder why I bother with this stuff, I'm not sure how everyone else's dating lives are, but mine is none existant. Never had a boyfriend, never even kissed a guy, I'm not even interested in anyone right now, and I still feel this need to dress myself up and do all of this stuff to look good. It all seems like such a burden to me now thought, because when I was trying to act like a guy for three months I gradually dropped all of my usual stuff. I stopped painting my nails, I wore my hair in a pony tail or bun more often than not, only did my laundry when there were no other options what so ever, and only wore the bare minimum of make up. Now, well I just can't understand why we go through so much wasted time and money for something so superficial, then we try our hardest to find someone who cares about us for reasons other than all of that superficial shit.
This is just all so mind boggling all of a sudden, yet I promise tomorrow I will end up doing all of this stuff again, because if I don't, well, I guess who knows.

Trying something new

Hey world of the internet, I'm Christie, people who don't know me too well generally call me Christina, I don't know why because I tell them my name is Christie, but I guess they think it's too personal to call me by my nickname. I'm a writer, not yet published, but maybe some day. I don't know what you can expect from my blog, just a disclaimer, if there are any spelling of grammar errors, or things that make no sense at all, I probably posted them from my phone. Please feel free to comment on anything you like or dislike, no matter the comment, I'd love to hear from you, I'll try to post as often as I can!