It's been a long time but I needed to get something out there. Isn't life worth it? It sucks most of the time, I know. Every day I relive the last time i saw my oldest brother, every day I relive finding out he was gone, and every day I hate myself for the things I should have done which would have saved him. It's coming up three years now and not a second passes when he's not in my thoughts. Every day I go through the process of trying to forgive myself for what I didn't do. I know about regret and I know about living with it and sometimes letting it slip away. Even with all of this, I've managed to enjoy the little things and I've kept my life on track.
I'm currently studying in my first year of undergrad for physic and astronomy. I love it but I know part of that is because it keeps me busy, that helps.
There are so many amazing things in life though. Feeling invincible because nothing bad in the world can hurt you when you feel that good, Having good, honest fun and living in the moment, realizing that beautiful feeling won't last long and that you have to enjoy it while it's there and not ruin it. This is one specific to me: making up excuses to break a small rule, convincing yourself that it won't matter and no one would care, then doing the right thing anyways and laughing about it with friends later. These are joys in life, as they happen you have to make yourself think: "I will enjoy everything in this moment, because nothing can last forever."
There have been a lot for troubles withing my family over the last few years. What makes it worse is that it all goes down to the struggle with anxiety, depression, and addiction. These three things all run in my family and terrify me to death.
Addiction is the worst one to me. Depression is bad, but it's something I've come to understand to a degree, addiction I understand, what I don't understand is how it starts and why no one can accept it. Once you have an addiction it's with you for life. That is NOT to say you cannot learn to control it, but it never goes away. The thing I'll never get that I hear all the time is that "they were an alcoholic (and/or drug addict), they did this to themselves". WHAT??? I avoid addictive substances to be safe, but some people don't consider that until it's too late, until they're addicted.
This is taking a turn I didn't expect because I have a lot of feelings on the matter that I have to get out, but tonight is not the night. Basically all I wanted to say can be summarized in one line:
There are fewer good thing than bad in life for a lot of us, but those moments of real happiness are worth living for.
Good night lovely.
